Everyone is affected by smokers. Everyone.
You’re either inhaling it, or cleaning my cig buds off the streets.
Ok. No, but seriously, smoking is a hobby that’s very well integrated in our society and our lifestyle. [The lifestyle I’m referring to is the “work all week to waste my money on alcohol, drugs and sex” lifestyle.]
But how does our little community inside a community function?
In this post, I want to try and break down every smokers into the different category they might fit in. There are different types of smokers and I’d like to classify them and show how we all get along together in this smokey circle of life.
The social smokers:
Nikka, this is where it all begins. This is the beginning of the end. This is where you begin your quest for lung cancer. This is your last chance to turn back and have pink pussy lungs. But fuck thaattt!! Everyone that’s cool smokes! Even that hot girl/guy that you have fantasy sex with in your head, while you’re touching yourself day&night, smokes. You don’t want to stay alone at the bar with those awkward fellas that talk about the latest Game of Thrones episode. yo FUCK Game of Thrones, You don’t give a shit. You want to be a bad ass motherfuck. Did you know smoking is bad for you? Fuck, WHO DOESN’T? That’s why it’s so cool to SMOKE. I’m staring the Grim Reaper straight in the eye and I’m telling him to “go ahead and lick my anus”.
Social smokers are people that only smoke when they go out with friends. They are typically drunk when they are smoking. You can recognize them by how they can’t really inhale the smoke properly and how 99% of the time, they don’t have their own cigarettes and have to bum it off someone (be careful not to confuse these people with “bummers”).
The thing about social smokers is that, when they start this “smoking only when I go out” kind of lifestyle, they are pathetic. Everyone makes fun of you and your inability to smoke. We make fun of you because of how you’re trying so hard to be cool.
When you leave, we go “PAHA CAN’T EVEN TAKE A PROPER PUFF WITHOUT COUGHING HAH(…) YAAAKKK(…)”
Okay, jokes aside, it’s awkward to watch you cringe when you try to swallow that smoke.
But hey, listen, it’s okay. This is the sort of smokers initiation. Almost everyone has started like this ( and for those who didn’t, it’s probably because you had shitty parents). The thing is, the more you keep social smoking, the closer you are at becoming a regular smoker. Slowly, you start taking bigger puffs, you cough less, you’re thoroughly enjoying how this little cancer stick is chilling you out….
But then, one day, you’re in the fucking middle of the day, you’re stressed out of your mind, or you have a break and you have nothing to do AND THEN BAM: You buy your first pack of smokes.
This person… This special person, is the most generous and greatest special love great cool chill yo man bestest person. These people are the most beloved smokers. Packers are smokers that give out their cigarettes all the time. These are the people that you can always count on when you’re down on luck and need a cig.
…but here’s the catch… Everyone can be a Packer… Everyone HAS to be a Packer; BE-cause giving out cigarettes unconditionally is what keeps the balance in the realm of smokers.
What the fuck am I talking about, you ask? Let me explain…
The main reasons why smokers share cigarettes are:
1.They know how it feels to crave a cigarette and not have one.
2. They know that by being generous with this one person, it will initiate a chain reaction of generosity. The person they gave a cigarette to, will be so moved, that they will also share their cigarettes when they have the chance, and the person they shared their cigarettes with, will do the same, and this chain continues until one day, THE smoker that INITIALLY started the chain reaction, is down on luck and needs a cigarette, and someone will feel generous and share their smokes with them.
TL;DR (too long; didn’t read) : We give, because we hope you’ll give back, and that it’ll somehow come back to us when we’ll need one.
The balance in the circle of life of smokers, or as I like to call it, smokey circle of life, relies on all of us to follow the essential rule of this old scripture (that was found in a cave filled with needles and used condoms):
“Thou shall give, so that thou shall receive when in dire times.”
Modern English translation:
“Fuck man. people better gimme some cigs when I won’t have any.”
That’s what secretly going on behind everyone’s mind when they give out a cigarette to you.
Other different petty reasons why they might be sharing cigs with you:
– Trying to be polite (but hoping you don’t accept their offer).
– They smoke so much, that they can always spare some cigs here and there(they’re coughing blood for fuck’s sake)?
– They’re too nice to say no?
– They owe you one?
– They want you to owe them one?
– You just so happened to be a hot good looking person and they believe that a cig is the key to your sex?
– Too rich?
– They are trying to quit, so they’re trying to smoke less by getting rid of them asap?
– They didn’t BTOB (bring their own beer) to the party, so they BTOC, and they trade them for alcoholic beverages with social smokers?
– They are slowly trying to kill you?
Man oh man… These people are like vultures. It’s ok to not have cigarettes from time to time, but fuck man, you said you were trying to quit smoking since a month, and you’re still asking me for cigarettes? Buy yourself a goddamn pack.
Bummers always have a good reason to bum:
-They ‘ran out’ of cigarettes (since like last year)
-They’re just ‘social smokers’ (yeah… so why are you bumming off of me while we’re on a work break?)
– They are trying to quit, and they’re in a moment of weakness and just need one.
– ‘Bro, I’m fucking coked up’
– ‘Bro, I’m fucking high on MDMA, I’ll suck your dick for a cig’
– Nikka, I’m poor. (this is actually the best and most acceptable excuse)
The thing is, everyone is or has been a bummer. We have all been in that inconvenient situation where we had to bum a cig off of someone. The only reason people might hate giving cigarettes to bummers, is when the bummer is their friend. And that fucker is always asking for cigarettes.
But remember guys, no matter what, you must follow the sacred scriptures (“Thou shall give, so that thou shall receive when in dire times.”), because one day, that Bummer will be Packing, and you’ll be there, to Bum the fuck out of him.
Quitters… everybody hates quitters.
Yes. Yes, good for you that you’re trying to quit. I’m going to miss you not coming out smoking with us anymore… What? What’s that? You still want to come outside with us when we smoke? No problem. What? What’s that? You’re complaining about how hard it is to quit smoking while I’m smoking? That’s probably the greatest topic you could’ve brought up while I’m trying to relax. What?! What’s that?! I should try quitting with you because it would help you? What?! WHAT’S THAT?! YOU JUST WANT ONE LAST PUFF?!
Smoking is an addiction.
It’s a horrible addiction.
Most of us will never be able to quit on our first few tries. Those who manage to quit, do it in a respectable manner (stay inside at the bar, smoke those nicorette tampons or chew gum).
Then there are those who just out of no where, decide to quit. And we all know very well, they ain’t even gon last 2 full days.
So why not spare us all your annoying bullshit and negativity and just go back to smoking? You’re embarrassing yourself and you slowly lose the respect we have for you. We hate you because you don’t have a good reason to quit, so nothing’s going to keep pushing and encouraging you. We know you’ll relapse in the space of 2 secondes.
And then, because you “quit”, you have no cigarettes and you start bumming off of us the whole night. And you do this, every two weeks.
Acceptable Reasons to Quit:
- Too Poor.
- Partner in life finds it repulsive (sex > cigarettes).
- You have a cancer related to smoking.
- Someone close to you has a cancer related to smoking (Don’t be insensitive).
- Can’t get it up no mo’.
- You became rich and you want to live longer now.
- You’re participating in a anti-tobacco rally to impress someone you want to have sex with.
So in conclusion, the social smokers are the curious, the packers are the givers, the bummers are the takers and the quitters are those in denial…
…I just realized that all of this sounds pretty gay…
…You guys know that cigs are called “fags” in the UK, right?
-Ashutosh K. Gupta